♤ Week 3.
(That's what week it is.)
(like how long I've been on my mission.)
(if you're still confused email E. Whitchurch, you can dm me for his email.)
♤ Brothers and Sisters I've disovered a crazy fact about New Zealand. It all started when I got here like 3 weeks ago and everything tasted strange, like it'd been ever so gently poisened. However the truth was of course the oposite, the food in America was poisened and I'm going through withdrawles. This is of course evidenced by the ***CONVINIENT STAR RATING THAT NEW ZEALAND GIVES EVERYTHING.*** (I'm above using emojis in a formal email, so pretend those astrixes are happy sparkles.) These convinient ratings help us see just how much healthier food here is, since all-American food immediately gets -31 health stars. But! Things in New Zealand get a rating too, which show if they're living up to the high standards of the ol' Zealanders.
♤ The freezer? 2 star energy rating. (The more stars something has the more energy efficiant' it is.) Our ice cream bars? 0.5 star health rating. (The more stars something has the more health efficient it is.) This practice looked like lots of fun, so I've decided to adopt a similar policy and give eveything I see (and some things I don't see) a star rating.
♤ The Book of Mormon: 5 star spiritual rating. (The more stars a thing has the more spiritually efficient it is.)
My companion: 5 star pushup rating. (He's good for other things too, like holding my phone while I'm in the bathroom and making simple movements more difficult via resistance bands.)
My platapus: 5 star fuzzy rating. (The more stars something has the more efficient it is at keeping your back aligned when you sleep on your side.)
♤ Ooh! I just had an idea! Somebody should give me "*official star rating stickers©️*" THEN I can put them on the bellies of people I like, rating them on how while they fulfill thier missionary purpose, and we can coloquially designate them "star bellied missionaries" and "non-starbellied missionaries" and our society can devide into a hierarchical dystopia where what others think is all that matters. For those of you who think this would be a sub-optimal world, I think you're forgetting that I'd be the head of it, since I would be the one with a monopoly on the "*official star ranking stickers©️*". (You'll notice I sneakily copyrighted them before any of you could steal my idea and write a children's book about it or something.)
♤ For those of you who requested the handy chart, here it is. In order of importance, the people I miss most are.
-Olivia Rodrigo
-Clementine
-Everyone else
-Moash
God isn't on the list cause he's with me always. Moash is below literally everyone else cause I dont miss him at all. For those of you who are upset about my ranking, please address my complaints department. (support@apple.com)
♤ On the topic of things I miss: I really miss books and music. So I've been reading and listening to whatever the Gospel Library can provide, which is mostly Saintsand Jesus The Christ. These books have been the greatest thing ever. They're so good that I figured thier existence must have been a well guarded secret, but everyone I tell about them is like "oh yeah I've been reading those for years." BUT FOR THE RECORD I DISCOVERED THEM BOTH ON MY OWN. I would have told you all about my discovery sooner but the MTC told me they'd throw bricks at me if I did. (Everyone here is armed with at least one brick, which were sometimes authorized to use. Granted we're just supposed to use them to email and call and access gospel library stuff but it's still dangerous.) Point is, do NOT credit any unworthy parties for my discovery of these books. And definitely don't have the hubris to credit yourself. But if you read any of those books, you just better be sending me an official rote of credit within 2 buisness days. (Do not read if you haven't read the Book of Mormon, it's even better. Just throwing that out there.)
Also I'm trying not to yap too much, but the gospel library youth music is good to. Both ironically and unironicaly. Schrödïngër's Youth music if you think about it.
♤ "But Malachi! Tell us what you've learned from the aforementioned tome."
And I shall, young voice of curiosity.
1. Don't start a sentence with words with like "and" and "but" it makes possible future employers that may be on your email list less likely to hire you.
2. Jesus The Christ called me ignorant and thoughtless and it really hurt my feelings. Those were not even the only mean things it said to me.
"Let not ignorance and thoughtlessness lead us into the error of assuming that the Father’s foreknowledge as to what would be, under given conditions, determined that such must be."
"Respecting the foreknowledge of God, let it not be said that divine omniscience is of itself a determining cause whereby events are inevitably brought to pass. A mortal father, who knows the weaknesses and frailties of his son, may by reason of that knowledge sorrowfully predict the calamities and sufferings awaiting his wayward boy."
(Later, about my scriptural thoeries) "Such a doctrine is an abomination. What right have we to turn the scriptures from their proper sense and meaning?"
So anyway you guys should send me arguments I can use to disprove his point, then I'll send him a strongly worded letter and ask him to pay punitive damages for my fractured ego.
(1.5 star spiritual rating. The more stars something has the easier it is for the wicked to recieve. 1 Nephi 16:2)
♤ I don't like android phones cause they're the worst, but I've been working on my gratitude this week. GUYS DID YOU KNOW THE STANDARD ANDROID KEYBORD ALLOWS YOU TO TYPE THE SPADE SYMBOL LIKE YOU SEE ON CARDS??? ♤♤♤♤♤ ITS NOT EVEN LIMITED USE LIKE ENERGY ON DUOLINGO, YOU CAN TYPE OT AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT! Its literally the freeist thing since my showers at In N Out. ♤♤♤
♤ I've made the blunder of a lifetime. We're talking an a4 openening type blunder.
I've gotten duolingo.
So yeah pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasse everyone follow me.
"Ugh but Malachi. I dont like learning and growth. I like carbon emissions and when sea turtles are extinct."
Look I don't like duolingo any more than you do. But these phones have very limited capabilities, and I don't know how to make them black and white. Duolingo is very colorful and fills you with much dopamine. They also have a very addictive energy mechanic designed to give you delayed gratification 50% of the time. (Luke, tell us what this is called. Just reply all cause I dont wanna email everyone again this week. Don't say anything uncouth though.) So anyway I've been spending all my time on duolingo cause of my phone withdrawals and no calculator app to spend all my time on. Because of all this time spent, I've got some duolingo tips for you.
1. Don't spend all your gems on someone else's wife.
2. Use the words you know as much as possible. People won't know if you're using them erroneously so dont worry about making sure you use them in context.
3. Keep reading my emails for more tips. (Pleasepleaseplease read my emails, they're so much work to write.)
♤ I've started calling people who don't do stuff they're supposed to "loafs." I do this insultingly, but also respectfully. I'm gaslighting my whole district into thinking this is a real thing people do, and if all 115 of you start doing this, is will become a real thing. Start today.
Mariner quote of the week:
Us: "how did you meet your wife."
Him: "before she was formed in the belly of her mum, I know her."
♤ I saw the stars this week, and they were so pretty. God be doing his thing up there, creating numberless stars and making them all big and scary and fiery just so they can be small and sparkly when we look at them... A lot of effort just so we can look up every once in a while and say "ooooooooh." He's gotta love us a lot is all I'm saying. Maybe lookup and say "oooooooh" more often? Also the stars are different here so I feel different and special from the rest of you. Paó com gelo my friends. ♡
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