The Jungle Hungers

I've waited much too long to tell you, dear readers, about the food here.* And an account of my making of this food shall be given hereafter; but just know you are being rewarded for your faithfulness in reading these emails from beginning to end, as if you have no other missionary email lists whatsoever which you need to read. But then, I am more important than any other Elder you might be in cahoots with, be him a Whitchurch or otherwise. You are all also being rewarded for the many kind compliments you've paid to Wad and Weed.**

Behold, I proceed according to that which I have spoken;

I made Thai food 3 times this week. Somehow every single time it was the most fabulous thing I'd ever tasted. I was like the food critic in Rattitullie.*** (Who is not named Ratitullie, that's the doctor who created him or something.) I took my first bite, and my eyes went wide, and I was briefly transformed from a cynical scroogelike figure into a kindly elderly pastorlike figure, fit to give vaguely spiritual sounding words of wisdom in hallmark movies. I may have sighed a sigh of contentment as I ate, I don't remember. You get the jist though, it was no inconsequential matter. We made a stir fry thing with garlic and peppers that we cooked with some chicken and beef, and then we made Massaman curry which we added all sorts of things too. My companion led the way, but I stirred and peeled potatoes (which I should be good at due to my previous days employed at In N Out, but was actually mocked mercilessly for. Apperently my peeling technique does not even resemble in passing the optimal technique used by Linguini's monster.)

The third time we made Thai food was on Sunday, and it was some of the spiciest food I've ever eaten. It was amazing. 

ALSO we went to a night market!!!! It's like a regular Market but it happens at night, and thus is 8,000 times more fun. It's like how if you're a small child,**** brushing your teeth is 8000x more fun if you're doing it after bed time. 

It reminded me a little of the night markets in Quebec which some of you will know about because you got my Canada emails a couple years ago. 

The Night Market had tons of interesting food stands, but my favorite was this meat-filled pancake with steak and carrot filling, and it was so tasty and crispy on the outside and so juicy and meaty on the inside. 

One stand sold these super cheap freshly made mini donuts, that weren't actually that cheap but felt cheap due to the sheer quantity of mini donuts you could purchase for $10. (The sheer quantity is 30 in case you're wondering. And you could get 50 for $16.) I felt like I was robbing them every time, in the best way possible. It is important to note, though, I never actually counted the donuts, and it's possible they can afford to make them so cheap because they actually only give you 28 donuts, which wouldn't even be worth buying. And I know all of you think you'd be wise enough to count them if you were in my position, but you underestimate the draw of fresh crispy tasty warm delicious mini donuts. (Is that enough adjectives to convince you?)

We also eat a lot of "meat pies" here, which you can pick up at the local bakery for cheap-ish, and they make really good breakfasts. The Steak and Cheese is my favorite, but I had a Chicken Mushroom one that was also really good. The pies are just so well baked and well filled, that even a small pastery-sized one is pretty filling. As an added benefit, it's traditional to make fun of americans whenever you buy those meat pies, like "Ha, and Americans are stupid enough to put apples in pie hahahaha." To be fair, these meat pies are better than any non-homemade pie I've had in America. (Quebec has a contender for "best non-homemade pie" though. Come to think of it, we should bring a Pie Baking Contest to our small town and start some sort of fued that can last generations and only be healed by the love of our children who are forced to work together to save the local bakery. Or... Something.)

On Sunday a woman from the ward ran up to us after church, apologizing profusely for missing our scheduled dinner on Thursday. She lamented that she hadn't known she'd been scheduled to feed us dinner on Thursday, and I felt immediate kindship with this woman, cause I also hadn't known she'd been scheduled to feed us dinner on Thursday. I was as surprised as she was. The issue isn't that I'm a terrible missionary though, it's that my companion likes to keep me on my toes by keeping our dinner plans close to his chest until the night of. 

To apologize the woman gave us some money, and a giant sized bag of little New Zealand KitKats, which is all I've ever wanted in life. NZ KitKats are my favorite thing ever in the whole wide world. She gave us the bag to share, but last week my companion ate 6 of my eggs, so I'm in the process of devouring alllllllll the KitKats myself without saving any for my companion. I've been secreting them away in my dresser drawer when my companion isn't looking, and I only opened the bag from the very corner, so from afar it looks like it hasn't been opened yet. That'll teach him to eat my hard-earned eggs.

(Dw, I love my companion. And all the members here. I love everyone, guys.)

This week a woman reffered herself to us and when we showed up and said "hi, we're coming in respose to an ad referal," to our surprise she said "I know exactly what you're talking about, and did not fill out that whole form by accident!" So we went in and told her about the Restoration of the gospel. She seemed super interested! THEN she told us her house was cursed, and I got so excited because WE'RE MISSIONARIES FILLED WITH THE POWER OF GOD, AND BREAKING CURSES IS OUR SPECIALITY!! Apperently all her kids had been constantly getting sick and injured in strange and unlikely ways (Final Destination style) and she was starting to be scared to be at home. So we said a prayer for her, and the next day she told us excitedly that her son who'd been really sick had gotten better over night. Also she'd read the first two books of Nephi and some of Jacob in the Book of Mormon in the past day. So we came back and taught her about Jesus Christ, and I showed her Daniel Lin's favorite easter video, and yeah she said she'd get baptized in two weeks. 

Her faith in Jesus Christ, ---who she barely knows anything about--- is amazing to see. I know her faith is what brings miracles into her life, my companion and I just happened to be the nearest miracles God could dispatch in her direction. God will use all of us if we let him.

Update on my friend who I made orange muffins for!

She's big on plant cultivation and her philosophy is "men were born in a garden, we have a responsibility to continue gardening forever," which is an argument that's both biblically backed AND results in a variety of delicious citrus. We went over for a "garden tour" this week, and it was exactly as delightful as it sounds. She showed us all sorts of herbs that were "better than modern medicine," and told us not to wear sunscreen ever. I've been waiting my whole life for a credible source to tell me that, and I plan to heed her advice. She also told us not to walk with "barriers between us and the earth." (She was talking about shoes.) I plan to heed that advice too. THEN SHE GAVE US A HUGE BAG OF ORANGES AND LIMES AND LEMONS AND GRAPEFRUIT!! I was so overjoyed, as I love free fruit, especially when it's free of pesticides and chemicles, which hers is! She keeps her plants pest-free the old fashioned way---that is with a wall. She's got a greenhouse, bird fences, bug nets, and soap (which is also a type of wall when you're engaged in pest warefare.)

She read Jacob 5 like I told her to, and loved it. She said she might even read more! My companion thinks she'll never be interested in our church, but we'll be back next week anyway to get more citrus. Listening to her talk is genuinly so fun and interesting, and Iove how passionate she is about her garden, which is also huge. It's basically a whole jungle in her backyard with mayb 200 different edible plants and trees she grows, and a few chickens which she doesn't grow. Some of her trees are "the only one like it in all of New Zealand" which makes me feel so special, that I could see them.

P.s.

Also there was a really grumpy guy who I loved, but I'll only tell you guys about him next week if you say lots of nice things about my emails not being too long. I could say more this week, but all I'm saying is if you were in NZ would you be writing longer emails, or would you be busy eating mini donuts? 

Stats

Pushups: 6,665

Spirit Island Games: 3

Miles Run: 57

Lessons Taught: 4?

Baptisms: It's not about the numbers

Meat pies eaten: 4

Mini Donuts eaten: ~27-30ish

Member meals: ~15?

I'd have to consult my ☆diary☆ if I wanted these numbers to be more accurate. 

FAQ

Q: "is the moon upside down there?"

A: I'm honestly not sure. I forgot to look at the moon ever before coming out, to have something to compare it to. And I can't take any good pictures of the moon, so I don't think you'll be able to help me deduce it either. If I had to guess though, it looks like it may have been rotated like 40 degrees, but I don't think it's fully upside down.

Q: "what do you say to an alligator in a vest?"

A: Good afternoon, Sir Al. (I dunno, Junie came up with this one.) Classic Lil' sis. 

Q: "How'd I get on this list?"

A: Through your lack of freewill. 

Q: "That was a rhetorical question. Remove me from this list."

A: no.

(Kids these days, submitting rithorical questions to my Q&As. Tsk tsk.)

You know who you are

Please do not feed my platupus brownie points as they will make him very sick. His diet consists strictly of hapiness, luz do sol,  seaweed, and Radioactive Cookies. 

Footnotes:

*That's all the apology you're going to get for the change that's been made to the regularly scheduled programing. I refuse to explain further why my Pday and email came a day late this week. However, as always, your conspiracy theories are welcome, and I may include the best, most conspiring theories in my next email. For future reference though, if you ever you don't get an email from me just assume I spitefully removed you from the list. 

**Weed is the smaller platupus in the picture from a few weeks ago. I assure you he's there, you just may not have noticed him, because he's being trodden underfoot. This is because he's an unrighteous platapus. If you haven't read the email titled "downpour drenches the world," I invite you to do so now.

***If you have a problem with my inability to spell, email my finance coordinator at Evan.mortensen@missionary.org 

****Shout out Marigold, Theo, and any other small children on my email list.

Obligatory insincere apology.

Sorry for the long email.

Love youuuuuuuu!

Vengeance as a Burning Plague

"Elder Nielson! You should tell us about your companion!"

"Elder Nielson! You should include more pictures in your emails!"

"Elder Nielson you looked so small and furry in the last email, I only identified it as you because of your nametag! You should work out more so you get big!"

Many of you have been asking me for many things lately, and I just see it as unbecoming of you. You, dear readers, are in no position to be making demands. You are in a position to engage only in "permissive" comunication with me where you use primarily "can I" and "may I" language, not "directive" language like "you should" or "you must." 

Unrelated to that, this week I listened to an old BYU podcast thing called "For time and all eternity" and I have no idea where you find it if any of you want to listen to it, but you probably have enough on your plate just reading my emails so don't bother. It taught me ALLLLLL about effective comunication, and how relationships are only sucsesful if you talk to each other as equals, in the language of equals, and don't talk down to anyone or pretend they're in a lower position than you. It also taught me many other things the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. I listened for at least 3 hours on Saturday, and it was the best 3 hours of the whole week.

"Elder Nielson, permit me please, to hear why you had 3 hours of free time on Saturday?"

No. Instead I will tell you about my companion. I'm attaching a picture below that I think does a good job describing his general vibe. (You must) scroll down and study it before continuing on in this email, as I shall refer to it presently. As you saw (those of you who live obediently, not at all unlike how I live as a missionary) my companion is equipped with "hip" atire. The space jacket you see him clad in has been present upon his shoulders practically nonstop for the past week since he got it. I didn't have to catch him unawares to get a picture of him in the jacket, he displays it proudly 24/6. (Thank goodness only 24/6.) 

Additionally you may notice that he apears to be from Thailand, which he very much is. (I bet all of you would guess that first try, as I did.) That means he's stacked with secret charachter stats, like the ability to make Thai food. He taught me how to make some curry, and it was wonderful. (And spicy.) He told me to impress girls with it when I get home, but little does he know that time isn't real and I'm going to be on my mission forever. 

He's a good guy, and he cares about me, but on his last transfer his energy to do the work is a little different than mine. 

A couple people have been speculating that I'll burn out at some point, but I disagree with this vehemently. On a "theological scale," I just think they're wrong. God promises that those who wait upon the Lord shall "Run and not be weary," and my goodness, I want to run. SPEAKING OF WHICH I was able to run every day this week for the first time ever and it was AMAZING. I love running. Some weaker Elder who shall not be named reported getting "shin splints" when he tried to run, and to him I can only suggest (in the wise words of Captian America) "I expect you to do better, senator." Because running is an undefeated strategy.

I know I've been getting excited a lot this email, but what can I say, I've spitefully decided to be forever filled with more joy than specifically 4 of you, to get you back for your misdeeds. 

I PLAYED SPIRIT ISLAND THIS WEEK!!!!!!!! AND NOT JUST ONCE BUT 3 TIMES!!!!! It was the greatest thing ever. I played once on P-day, and twice while I was with my DL on an exchange. (The exchange lasted like 2.5 days too, which is way too long for one of those, but that's another story.) For those of you who don't know what Spirit Island is, it's a board game, and also my favorite thing ever. The only two things that have ever filled me with as much joy as Spirit Island are the Gospel of Jesus Christ and Elder Erwin's missionary profile picture. For those of you who haven't played, you should repent. I'll even play with you in a couple years after the mish, name a time and place. (I miss all you board game bros back home. <3)

A few times this week were the worst, but worry not there's an exciting part coming up, where I'll resume my normal cheerfulness.

Being a missionary is one of the most frusterating things I've ever expirienced. I think it's set up that way on purpose though; if you don't have a mission president that's hard to work with you'll have a companion that is. If you don't have a companion that's hard to work with you'll have a district leader that is. And if you don't, you'll have an investigator that's hard to work with. I don't think you really know you love someone (like Jesus Christ for example) until you've born a frusterating situation for them or with them. In the case of Jesus, it's both. I'm here both for him, and with him. (Plug for the talk I gave yesterday. Link below https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I-NzXGqzsLyXnNcPgC9HthmSNcoVeXXC0iyBWoQuSqU/edit?usp=drivesdk) 

So anyway I was feeling super frusterated, especially because I feel like I've been being super obedient, and we're promised miracles for that but I felt like none were coming. One day I ranted for a good hour to my district leader (and my journal notebook) about it. I so badly just wanted a break. Or a clean flat, or a productive day. The next day, my companion came down with the flu, and I got all 3! (I feel really bad if it was my fault though! I hope God knows I don't need a miracle thaaaaat much.)

I'm reminded about a presentation by one of my history TAs where he asked "what is a miracle." I thought about this a lot this week cause I doubt my companion feels like the plauge he's aquired is a miracle. (Can we talk about my clever forshadowing in the title?) Yet, because he was sick and we couldn't leave, I cleaned the entire kitchen, listened to hours of podcasts and Saints, baked some orange muffins with fresh oranges from our tree (DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE AN ORANGE TREE!?!?!?! IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER, other than potentially the gospel of Jesus Christ and Elder Erwin's missionary profile picture.) I delivered the muffins in question to a couple friends I've made here, who've been kind to me as a missionary. One is a guy that came and said Hi when I was running. One was a woman who gave us a couple of her oranges when we were walking around on a hot day. I gave her a Book of Mormon too and she said she'd read it.

Q&A

Q: "What's the name of the little platapus, seen with Wad in one of last week's pictures?"

A: He's officially named "Weed." Credit to my new favorite sister.

Q: "Why did you bring Wad with you to NZ? Is he your favorite stuffed animal?"

A: No actually, he's one of the few stuffed animals that's expendable. NZ is a dangerous place. (Especially when you know all the gang signs.)

Q: "Didn't you promise your emails would get shorter over time?

A: Uh... Just for that I'm skipping the "stats" section this email. (The most popular section.) I didn't anticipate I'd have a full day that I couldn't leave the flat when I said that.

Q: :(

Pictures:

Hello, you good little children, who scrolled down here to look at my companion when I told you to! He's in pictures 1 and 2

(Note the improvised cooling rack I made for the muffins in pic 4! Now they won't have soggy bottoms.)

Downpour Drenches the World

I told many of you that I may not send this email this week, and even as I write it I don't know if I'll have time to finish it. So if you're reading this next week... I hope you thought I removed you from my list out of petty spite. If you're reading this this week, just know there's always a possibility I'll still remove you if you don't send me lots of emails and pay my platypus 1-3 compliments. 

There's a member family here named the Kirby's, and they take good care of us missionaries. They were responsible for us eating dinner on at least 3 separate occasions this week, despite my best efforts to never have a dinner plan. (My companion keeps track of if someone is gonna host us, but he never tells me so it's always a fun surprise when he's like "we get dinner tonight!" It makes me feel like a child who minded his manners and is getting rewarded with supper.) Sometimes though, even when we don't have dinner scheduled, the Kerby's see us by the side of the road and snatch us up to take us to Costco and get us hotdogs, or just take us home for dinner. One time they even packed us some pasta to take home and eat. They gave us some cheesy garlic bread too which was an expirience that reached a "green sweater" level of excellence. Brother Kerby is a super nerdy art guy, who talks a lot. Which is super nice especially when I'm tired, cause he's fun to listen to and he doesn't make me contribute to the conversation. He's also probably the whitest guy in this whole ward, and it's cause hes from Canada. He's kinda short, and always pushing up his glasses as he talks about working on video games and being credited in the second Avatar movie. His wife is Polynesian though, and she's so different from him, but they make a good pair. She's a lot quieter and has a stern attitude that makes me fear her chastisment, though luckily I've managed to stay on her good side. 

***Another person that wasn't a member talked to me this week!!!!***

He was a Maori guy who was prooooooobably homeless, and I met him at a bus stop. Not for long though, he had some big ideas that might just fix the world. 

Idea 1: give everyone in the world 2 million dollars and teach them how to use that money to never be poor again. He called this "giving them back thier freewill." I can think of no problems with this idea.

Idea 2: bring back the titens. For those ignorant among you, who don't know what those are, I'll bore the rest of us with an obvious definition that you would know if you'd paid any attention in school. The Titens were big trees that used to grow that were tall enough to touch the top of the dome and let more fresh air in. That's why the air was more fresh in "those days." 

He also told me about how "global warming" is code for "indigenous peoples" and so when the governments say they're trying to get rid of global warming they're actually trying to rid the world of indigenous peoples. All so they can greedily become indigenous themselves. (I'm not quite sure how that works considering the current definition of indigenous, but I trust he's got it figured out. I'm probably just confused because "they like to keep us confused cause it robs us of freewill.") This guy told me that he argued with AI sometimes and was so smart that he "tricked" it into admitting he was right about everything he said. 

I talked to him for a good 45 minutes at the bus stop, until I finally gave my companion a panicked look that pled for him to save me. This was right after the guy started confessing to murders and telling me that Satan was his alter ego, so I figured it was time to go. Luckily my companion read my face and made an excuse about an appointment we had to get to, and apologized for "dragging me away." Kinda ironic that the first guy I meet here who believes we don't have freewill had to be this guy, but it's okay he'll forever live on in my heart as the only one who knows the "truth." Even AI can't deny it, and we all know how good AI is at telling people what they don't want to hear.

I had supposed not to have written more, but I have not as yet perished; and I make not myself known to the Lamanites lest they should destroy me. Wherefore, I write a few more things, contrary to that which I had supposed; for I had supposed not to have written any more; but I write a few more things. 

It rained almost every day this week, and in NZ in rains HARD. I love it. I come back soaked sometimes, and I feel great cause I know I'm soaked for Christ! I'm generally pretty waterproof but unfortunately my backpack is less so. I was walking through the pouring rain one of the days, when I'd forgotten to bring my umbrella, and I couldn't do anything to save my poor bag which contained important notebooks, scriptures, my excessively marked copy of PMG, and a deck of playing cards. As I walked I prayed quietly that nothing I needed would be ruined, and resolved not to be too sad to lose a partially filled journal or a copy of PMG. After all, the lessons I'm learning are the thing with value, my notes are just am example of that. When I got home I opened my bag and both the inside and outside were soaked, but every notebook and copy of scriptures inside was dry! The only thing that was ruined was my deck of cards which had been nestled between two dry notebooks. God might've been trying to teach me something there, but I'm greatful to have my notebooks either way.

I ran in our backyard field one of the mornings, and due to the excessive rain it was covered with mud. The mud splashed all over me and my shoes, which was kinda fun cause then I was covered in mud. I hosed off my shoes after, and improvised a Boot Dryer to restore them to thier proper state. I didn't yet have 2 boot dryers at that point, I just had 1 and it didn't work. But I used its stand to put my shoes on, and put that stand on my room's heater, which worked pretty well. Now though I'll just use my working boot dryer, which was shipped to Zone Conference in a box that was surely big enough to fit a small Malachi. Everyone gave me awe filled looks as I dragged my large box out to the car. There was envy in thier eyes, as they wished they had a family kind enough to send them oversized boxes. (A clear violation of the 10th comandment if I'm being honest.) If the rest of you wanna pull your weight a little and do your part to inspire envy in other missionaries, you should send me mail. Address of mission home below. 

9 Taharoto Road, Takapuna, Auckland 0622, New Zealand

I did a 24 hour exchange with the ZL in my mission, and he was super cool, and well motivated, but most importantly he played Catan with me. To this day I've never played a full game of Catan, cause it's a dumb game, but people always look down on me when I admit that I, a true board gamer, don't know how to play Catan. So anyway I just don't tell people that I don't know how to play. I just put my settlement down and everyone's like "...that's an interesting choice." To which I nod sagely and reply "I know what I'm doing. I like to go for the uncontested strategies." So yeah I won't despite never having the rules explained to me. Luckily it's pretty simple. And to be clear we didn't technically finish we just had to call it quits because 10:30 rolled around, and that's the universal bedtime of effective missionaries. (Which I surely am.)No Q and A today as E. Whitchurch already answered all the questions. 

Pushups: between 4500 and 5000 I'll check when I get home. 

Miles run: 30 (sorry I gotta lock in.)

Radioactive cookie points (in order of radioactivity):

- Caleb Brown: 3.9 Milironkins. (you put way more thought into this than I did. Loved the insight.)

- Lincoln Henage: 1 Milironkin

- Daisy: 1 Milironkin

Overall not great, but not terrible. 

Okay I'm gonna rant for a second, but this part is barely important so you can skip it if you don't have blades and hang from the ceiling and spin. (If you're not a real fan.) 

They KEEP saying that the mission is not about the numbers, but they WILL NOT SHUT UP about the numbers. "Today we're going to asign a point value to everything you do as a missionary. Whoever ends eith the highest arbitrary number of points wins!! But be sure not to forget, dear missionaries, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE NUMBERS!" I'm so annoyed every time. And if you aren't getting baptisms the zone leaders are all "let's set some goals to get your numbers up." Fine if the mission is gonna be about the numbers that's okay but quit pretending it's not. Furthermore they keep telling us (numerical) statistics about how much more likely someone is to join the church if they come to sacriment meeting week 1 which is a fine goal but they gotta stop pretending that it's causal. If my political science class taught me one thing it's that correlation is not causation, and it seems VERY likely that sacriment attendance and baptisms have a spurious relationship, e.g. they're both caused by some third factor (spirituality? Willingness to inconvenience oneself for something you belive in? Devotion? Curiosity? Etc.) that would cause those that are already more likely to join the church to also attend sacriment meeting the first week. I don't get how they would be even using statistics like this much less at EVERY MEETING without considering what I'm yapping about here. Am I missing something crazy? Did my stats teachings lie to me? Feel free to let me know. 

Sorry I'm grumpy today, I think I woke up on the right side of the bed. (Which is wrong here cause it's the other side of the world obvi.) 

Anyway have a good week, all of you who're real fans and read this far. As for the rest of you, may your mayonnaise forever taste microwaved, you loafs.

♡, 

Malachi

Immense

 

Uh.. hi guys. Its kinda intimidating to write to all of you cause my email list has gotten immense over the years, and I (in proportion to it) have gotten very small. New Zealand has made me shy. Everyone I meet gives me one look, smiles in a patronizing manner, and says "first day in New Zealand?" To which I reply "no" because I've been here two days, and then they look quizzically at my meager frame. As if to say: "surely you mislead me, small one. Surely if you'd had more than 24 hours to metabolize the 8 Kilograms of food you've surely been fed by now, your water displacement amount would be far greater than it currently seems to be. The surface area you currently inhabit should be less akin to a young mouse, and more like that of a spherical cow of uniform density." 

We did some service this week. Service is probably the easiest thing to do as a missionary, which is good cause we've been doing it a lot. We spent like half the day serving members the first two days. We helped one of the members move some things out of his ex wife's house, and there was this big punching bag filled with sand that we had to move. I say "we" but I moved it all by myself. I know you all are wondering how heavy something like that is, and my companion asked the same thing. The member just shrugged and said "it can't be that heavy if Elder Nielson is carrying it. Look at his arms!" 

(To be fair he did tell me I have huge triceps later, so my 3,450 pushups are doing something I guess.) He took us to Wendy's after which filled me with joy and bacon cheeseburger. 

Saying goodbye to the MTC was light work cause nobody likes the MTC but saying bye to my district and my teachers was hard. I'll always miss Bro. Mariner and Bro. Nathan was the GOAT. He taught me so much doctrine, and played some fun games with us too. He taught us the ten commandments using our fingers, and then we played a tuff game of Signs which is definitely a fsy/girls camp game but is still fun. My buddy Elder Turner pulled out his guitar for the last night, and all 75 of us at the MTC sang together and felt the spirit in an impromptu concert in the courtyard under the stars. (Then they confiscated his guitar because they thought it was likely to incite violence. President also walked to each classroom individually and pleaded with us not to learn the Hakka for the same reason. You would think it's super easy to invite voilence at the MTC based on how many rules they have to prevent it, but in reality we're all just chill guys who've never even started any wars or done opression on anyone.) 

Speaking of which, they hacked into my phone and deleted and banned duolingo. Now I'll never be bilingual. (Except spiritually bilingual, shout out that random talk my UNIV 101 class made me read.) It seems the Brazilian language is forbidden knowledge if you're an english speaking missionary. (Maybe they didnt want me to use the "daily reminder" widget to remind me to do voilence, or the chess feature to strategize how I was gonna accomplish voilence.) So for all of you whose friend streak was ruined, I'm sorry. Take solace in knowing I'm a less voilent person as a result. (Except spiritually violent. I'm fighting Satan on the daily. ♡)

The leadership here is awesome. My mission president is from australia, and the first time I met him he shook my hand and said, "I thought you'd be taller, Mate."

The second time I met him, was when he was talking to another brother. 

President: "Missionaries come in many shapes and sizes. We've got big missionaries and..." 

*here he gave me a meaningful look*

"We've got small missionaries."

Me: "I'm not that small..."

President: "Nah Mate, you're small." 

My DL is awesome too, I did a blitz with him, which is where I briefly steal him to be my companion even though he's not my real companion. He's also a homeschooler from Utah, with all the energy and weirdness that comes with that. (That's comment comes with love, I know I'm a weirdo too. Someone asked me in sacriment meeting today "Are you a singer? Or in theater? Or like... performing arts?" Sometimes you can just tell ig.) 

I did so much walking with my DL and it's soooooo pretty here. We followed a bike path to this obscure corner of our area where we met an old Indian guru who told us religions are all just businesses set up to steal your money, and everyone was just there for the lunch. (I helpfully volunteered that our meetings didn't have lunch, which somehow just served to further darken his countenance.) He also told us anything we taught him would go in one ear and out the other, and we were wasting his time, but I THINK he was speaking metaphorically about "us" meaning all people everywhere and "his time" as in the time of those who were unreceptive to the general and unspecified messeges that "they" were teaching. 

If I'm being honest, I was super excited to listen to every word he had to say, because he's the first person who's actually let me in to talk to them. My DL kept trying to signal that it was time for us to leave but then I'd get distracted by the guy telling us how he was a professional public speaker, and every church loves him. He also said he publishes "blunt articles online" and "isn't afraid of speaking the truth" which, for those of you unfamiliar with the internet, means he starts arguments on reddit. 

I loved this guy SO much.

I smiled and nodded a lot, and gave him a book of mormon. He promised he'd come to church in 2 weeks since he was busy speaking at a fancy event this week. He also told us (despite not liking religion) that he would be happy to speak at our church if we wanted. I half wanted to tell him he could, and invite him to fast and testimony meeting, just to get him there. 

(My companions aren't excited about this guy, but I'm certain I can change him.)

The food here is awesome, the members have been giving me lots of it. 

I bore my testimony in church this week, and I didn't realize how much I've been dying to do that. They also gave me a speaking assignment for later, and it's the greatest. When I'm speaking I feel at home again, instead of panicked about being in an unfamiliar place doing weird things. "Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for [...] I will ease the burdens which are put on your shoulders, that even you can not feel them on your back."  -Mosiah 24:13-14 

If anyone wants an extra radioactive cookie point ©️ (to be reported in my next stat section) go read the verse and look for why Christ eases our burdens. Email me with your findings. 

Speaking of which you guys should all email me a lot, cause nobody here likes talking to me. We contact all the people who answer our Facebook ad that says "we'll send missionaries to talk to you and get to know you!" And everyone who answers that ad is like "yes I wanna talk to missionaries." So we walk 30 minutes across town and knock on thier door and get one of two responses. 

Us: "We're here cause you responded to a Facebook ad!"

Person: "I don't have Facebook or a Face and I have no idea what you're talking about must have been someone else now please leave."

Or

Us: "Does Ron live here?" 

Ron: "well he definitely does, but at the present moment he's nowhere to be found."

Us: "oh okay. Do you know when he'll be back?"

Ron: "Absolutly not. No question has ever baffled me more honestly. Am I my brother's keeper?"

Us: "oh okay. What's your name?"

Jon: "uhhhhhhhhh. Jon." 

Stats (since all of you seem to like this section most.)

Member meals: 4

Miles Run: 23 (still not going more than 3 per day.)

Lessons taught: 0

Service activates: 2

Bear attacks: 0

Companion attacks: 0

Paragraphs of well written email you skipped to read these stats: >3

Cold showers: ~8

FAQ:

Question: "What's a chinchilla?"

Answer: what a strange question for a missionary. Just go Google it or something. It basically just looks like a ball of fur with a tail that waddles around.

Question: "aren't you thinking of a chiwawa?"

Answer: I honestly could be, I'm not sure of the difference. 

Question: "Have you eaten any horse yet?"

Answer: No but I'm dying to try it. I hear it's really tasty. #AHAB

Question: "Malachi! Weren't you going to include secret codes for me specifically in your email?"

Answer: maybe I have and you're not looking hard enough.

Question: "what can I do if your emails are too long and I don't want to read all of them."

Answer: I write my emails so that you can understand them just as well even if you skip every other word. No child left behind, that's my motto.

From Luke (and others): Intermittent Reinforcement or "Variable interval reinforcement"

Love you all.

Starlight Seeks Its Form

♤ Week 3. 

(That's what week it is.) 

(like how long I've been on my mission.) 

(if you're still confused email E. Whitchurch, you can dm me for his email.)

♤ Brothers and Sisters I've disovered a crazy fact about New Zealand. It all started when I got here like 3 weeks ago and everything tasted strange, like it'd been ever so gently poisened. However the truth was of course the oposite, the food in America was poisened and I'm going through withdrawles. This is of course evidenced by the ***CONVINIENT STAR RATING THAT NEW ZEALAND GIVES EVERYTHING.*** (I'm above using emojis in a formal email, so pretend those astrixes are happy sparkles.) These convinient ratings help us see just how much healthier food here is, since all-American food immediately gets -31 health stars. But! Things in New Zealand get a rating too, which show if they're living up to the high standards of the ol' Zealanders. 

♤ The freezer? 2 star energy rating. (The more stars something has the more energy efficiant' it is.) Our ice cream bars? 0.5 star health rating. (The more stars something has the more health efficient it is.) This practice looked like lots of fun, so I've decided to adopt a similar policy and give eveything I see (and some things I don't see) a star rating.

 ♤ The Book of Mormon: 5 star spiritual rating. (The more stars a thing has the more spiritually efficient it is.)

My companion: 5 star pushup rating. (He's good for other things too, like holding my phone while I'm in the bathroom and making simple movements more difficult via resistance bands.) 

My platapus: 5 star fuzzy rating. (The more stars something has the more efficient it is at keeping your back aligned when you sleep on your side.)

♤ Ooh! I just had an idea! Somebody should give me "*official star rating stickers©️*" THEN I can put them on the bellies of people I like, rating them on how while they fulfill thier missionary purpose, and we can coloquially designate them "star bellied missionaries" and "non-starbellied missionaries" and our society can devide into a hierarchical dystopia where what others think is all that matters. For those of you who think this would be a sub-optimal world, I think you're forgetting that I'd be the head of it, since I would be the one with a monopoly on the "*official star ranking stickers©️*". (You'll notice I sneakily copyrighted them before any of you could steal my idea and write a children's book about it or something.)

♤ For those of you who requested the handy chart, here it is. In order of importance, the people I miss most are. 

-Olivia Rodrigo 

-Clementine 

-Everyone else

-Moash

God isn't on the list cause he's with me always. Moash is below literally everyone else cause I dont miss him at all. For those of you who are upset about my ranking, please address my complaints department. (support@apple.com)

♤ On the topic of things I miss: I really miss books and music. So I've been reading and listening to whatever the Gospel Library can provide, which is mostly Saintsand Jesus The Christ. These books have been the greatest thing ever. They're so good that I figured thier existence must have been a well guarded secret, but everyone I tell about them is like "oh yeah I've been reading those for years." BUT FOR THE RECORD I DISCOVERED THEM BOTH ON MY OWN. I would have told you all about my discovery sooner but the MTC told me they'd throw bricks at me if I did. (Everyone here is armed with at least one brick, which were sometimes authorized to use. Granted we're just supposed to use them to email and call and access gospel library stuff but it's still dangerous.) Point is, do NOT credit any unworthy parties for my discovery of these books. And definitely don't have the hubris to credit yourself. But if you read any of those books, you just better be sending me an official rote of credit within 2 buisness days. (Do not read if you haven't read the Book of Mormon, it's even better. Just throwing that out there.) 

Also I'm trying not to yap too much, but the gospel library youth music is good to. Both ironically and unironicaly. Schrödïngër's Youth music if you think about it. 

♤ "But Malachi! Tell us what you've learned from the aforementioned tome." 

And I shall, young voice of curiosity. 

1. Don't start a sentence with words with like "and" and "but" it makes possible future employers that may be on your email list less likely to hire you. 

2. Jesus The Christ called me ignorant and thoughtless and it really hurt my feelings. Those were not even the only mean things it said to me. 

"Let not ignorance and thoughtlessness lead us into the error of assuming that the Father’s foreknowledge as to what would be, under given conditions, determined that such must be."

"Respecting the foreknowledge of God, let it not be said that divine omniscience is of itself a determining cause whereby events are inevitably brought to pass. A mortal father, who knows the weaknesses and frailties of his son, may by reason of that knowledge sorrowfully predict the calamities and sufferings awaiting his wayward boy."

(Later, about my scriptural thoeries) "Such a doctrine is an abomination. What right have we to turn the scriptures from their proper sense and meaning?"

So anyway you guys should send me arguments I can use to disprove his point, then I'll send him a strongly worded letter and ask him to pay punitive damages for my fractured ego. 

(1.5 star spiritual rating. The more stars something has the easier it is for the wicked to recieve. 1 Nephi 16:2)

♤ I don't like android phones cause they're the worst, but I've been working on my gratitude this week. GUYS DID YOU KNOW THE STANDARD ANDROID KEYBORD ALLOWS YOU TO TYPE THE SPADE SYMBOL LIKE YOU SEE ON CARDS??? ♤♤♤♤♤ ITS NOT EVEN LIMITED USE LIKE ENERGY ON DUOLINGO, YOU CAN TYPE OT AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT! Its literally the freeist thing since my showers at In N Out. ♤♤♤

♤ I've made the blunder of a lifetime. We're talking an a4 openening type blunder. 

I've gotten duolingo. 

So yeah pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasse everyone follow me. 

"Ugh but Malachi. I dont like learning and growth. I like carbon emissions and when sea turtles are extinct." 

Look I don't like duolingo any more than you do. But these phones have very limited capabilities, and I don't know how to make them black and white. Duolingo is very colorful and fills you with much dopamine. They also have a very addictive energy mechanic designed to give you delayed gratification 50% of the time. (Luke, tell us what this is called. Just reply all cause I dont wanna email everyone again this week. Don't say anything uncouth though.) So anyway I've been spending all my time on duolingo cause of my phone withdrawals and no calculator app to spend all my time on. Because of all this time spent, I've got some duolingo tips for you.

1. Don't spend all your gems on someone else's wife.

2. Use the words you know as much as possible. People won't know if you're using them erroneously so dont worry about making sure you use them in context. 

3. Keep reading my emails for more tips. (Pleasepleaseplease read my emails, they're so much work to write.)

♤ I've started calling people who don't do stuff they're supposed to "loafs." I do this insultingly, but also respectfully. I'm gaslighting my whole district into thinking this is a real thing people do, and if all 115 of you start doing this, is will become a real thing. Start today.

Mariner quote of the week: 

Us: "how did you meet your wife."

Him: "before she was formed in the belly of her mum, I know her." 

♤ I saw the stars this week, and they were so pretty. God be doing his thing up there, creating numberless stars and making them all big and scary and fiery just so they can be small and sparkly when we look at them... A lot of effort just so we can look up every once in a while and say "ooooooooh." He's gotta love us a lot is all I'm saying. Maybe lookup and say "oooooooh" more often? Also the stars are different here so I feel different and special from the rest of you. Paó com gelo my friends. ♡